FrightFest Glasgow: Day Two (Saturday 25th Feb 2012)

SP: Yup! That’s five films down, six to go. Six. Films. To. Go.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that having spent 12 hours in a cinema the day before, a person would not be inclined to spend 14 hours in a cinema the following day. But this is not the time for rational, normal-person decisions – we are FrightFesters, and enjoy a Fest of Frights we shall! Thus:

SATURDAY – DAY TWO!

11.00 a.m. – EVIDENCE

SP: Pffft! Another day, another found footage movie. The premise for this one is slightly better, with characters you have the classic ‘like-but-would-like-to-see-killed’ relationship. They seem a jovial enough bunch but they could die horribly and you’d be happy. Which is lucky because here they are heading off on a camping holiday to film a documentary. Idiots. Sexy idiots. It’s never actually that clear why the main subject deserves a documentary; maybe he’s working on some sort of myspace page. Anyway, this isn’t a million miles away from Tape 407 but the drop into hell is starker and goes much further than yesterday’s home movie. It’s a rollercoaster ride but it’s just a shame that the ideas and style in the closing credits weren’t explored earlier in the film.

JS: It was definitely a world away from Tape 407, couldn’t have been more different. In Tape 407 things kick off sharpish, but Evidence takes it’s time introducing you to your camping buddies and the laughs (intentional this time) in the first chunk displayed some wit. It also sets up a few uncertainties in your mind as to what’s actually going on and where the final act reveal might take you, whereupon all those little theories I’d been constructing were tossed aside as the movie sprinted through a real batshit crazy home stretch. It’s never exceptional, but it is a lot of fun and reasonably thrilling once the obligatory running and screaming begins. It is a tad stretched, with the dash to safety -> have a breather -> RUNNING cycle getting a little repetitive towards the end, but I’d wholeheartedly recommend this for a few laughs and jolts with some beer and pizza (quintessential Pizza Zombie fodder really).

1.15 p.m. – PENUMBRA + THE OTHER SIDE OF SIMON

SP: The Other Side of Simon was a tasty little arthouse piece with a powerful central performance, which made an impact despite being a short. Recalling American Psycho and Clockwork Orange with a Jack the Ripper undercurrent, it really paced itself well and concluded in a nicely open-ended fashion. It might not survive becoming a full feature but you could get a good 60-80 minutes out of it. Nice wee surprise.

Penumbra is a Spanish/Argentinian film with a creepy mystery at its heart. The lead character has her rental home invaded but isn’t quite as stupid as most horror characters in this situation. In fact, she pretty tough and quick-witted. It slowly dawns on her that something strange is afoot and she gets proactive in attempting to escape. Things quickly unravel and come to a head with the arrival of, apparently, a very famous Argentinian soap star giving a lofty edge to a cameo role. It’s a fun film with some decent gory moments and was a definite favourite with the crowd.

JS: This was a bit of a gem, with a really interesting atmosphere all it’s own. It’s a slow burner, but the script and performances crackled with a quirky energy that made it a breezy and amusing joy rather than the crawl of foreboding it could have been. It’s got a little of the Rosemary’s Baby’s about it, and it’s a movie with enough class and pizazz that I would hope it would be enjoyed and respected by a wider audience than just the horror crowd. I say it was classy, but it still included the most gratuitous baby oil/bouncing bosom sequences that I’ve seen in a while. And I’m a fan of specialist cinema.

3.30 p.m. – RITES OF SPRING

JS: There were parts of Rites that didn’t work particularly well for me, as it slips into slasher territory for large chunks and John Carpenter is pretty much the only guy I can think of who has made the man in a mask with a knife genre actually scare me. While it didn’t put the willies up me, it is however a very good example of said stabby genre, and has the strong backbone of a very intriguing mythology propping it up. It’s a mythology that isn’t particularly explained but is hinted just enough to grip you and will definitely have me back for the proposed sequel to see the whole thing expanded. Remember Jeepers Creepers? Remember how much you really enjoyed it up to a certain point and then it fell apart a bit? Rites is barking up the same tree but holds itself together throughout, well worth a watch.

SP: Rites of Spring was a brilliant choice for mid-afternoon on day two. When you’re starting to flag a bit it always helps to have some old-school horror served up by the director (Padraig Reynolds) himself. Rites of Spring started with a palpably tense Chainsaw Massacre style hostage/cult sacrifice situation mixed in with a seemingly unrelated kidnapping plot. The meticulous cult scenes were effectively discomforting while the kidnapping felt like a dark caper… a weird combination for the start of a proposed trilogy! Luckily these strands eventually came together and created a fairly tense conclusion with enough questions unanswered to merit a sequel and yet resolved enough not to need one. It was a bit of a strange one but it did the trick before the long-awaited noodle break that preceded…

6.30 p.m. – L’ARRIVO DI WANG/ WANG’S ARRIVAL

SP: It’s important to have noodles before the home straight. Especially noodles from a proper movie takeaway box. Visit Wok to Walk to find out more!

JS: Man, them noodles.

SP: L’arrivo di Wang is an Italian film forged from the great metals of The Twilight Zone and The Outer Limits. It’s not much of a horror film but it does has a nice creepy story to it. There’s some slightly dodgy government heavy-handedness at play that seems to be condoned as the film plays out but this may be something that’s lost in translation. In any case it’s impossible to discuss anything that happens without going into spoiler territory so let’s just say that if you want a decent story with a good climactic twist then L’arrivo di Wang is for you. And before you ask, yes, the name is going to change before general release!

JS: Before this we were shown the first scene of a currently in production Italian movie, but I swear I can’t remember what it was called. It did feature a man having his meat and veg removed forcibly, so that image may have driven out any other information.

I found Wang pretty refreshing at this time of the fest, as it’s more of a slightly sinister Outer Limits episode than a dark and brooding horror movie (you get plenty of dark and brooding at FF so it always perks you up a bit when something bucks the trend). It was really a game of two halves though, on one side you had some great suspenseful writing and a riveting performance from the really quite fabulously watchable (and previously unknown to me) Francesca Cuttica, but on the other there’s that age old bug bear of some really very ropey CG. When you’re watching low budget genre cinema it seems churlish to criticize a film for cheap effects, but I couldn’t help thinking throughout how awesome this would have been with physical effects. It was an immersion breaker unfortunately, but the movie still has plenty going for it. It was also the only point in the weekend when a director was asked by an audience member if his film was pro-fascism, which is nice.

9.00 p.m. – CASSADAGA

SP: The prime time spot on a Saturday is usually reserved for a general-public-friendly stinker. This year it was supposed to be The Devil Inside… but luckily this was changed to Cassadaga! Truly the gods were smiling. Don’t be fooled into thinking Cassadaga is without its problems though. It’s trying to do three things: messed up family psychology, serial killer/missing persons gore suspense and exorcism bullshit horror. It does what it can with these cliches but could do with trimming away the fat and leaving us with a proper bit of serial killer brutality – this being the best thread by a country mile. It doesn’t help that I hate exorcism fluff I suppose. The best bits in Cassadaga were the nutty room torture deaths, which were genuinely quite horrible body horror. The rest was decent enough padding.

JS: From the comments floating around it looks like the audience dodged a bullet in missing out on The Devil Inside, and as flawed as Cassadaga turned out to be I’d still rather watch it than an Unborn-style slick and toothless attempt at horror. The Unborn was shit by the way. I was pleased to hear what would be replacing it, Cassadaga being from the director of Dread, one of a cracking batch of Clive Barker adaptations that popped up in recent years. Dread left a real mark on me for being full of dread (as opposed to dreadful) and Cassadaga starts out with some pretty strong content that had the men in the audience squirming. It doesn’t quite hold all it’s strands together (one particular plotline is dismissed suddenly and never brought up again) and it puts it’s foot right in it with the ending, which was gloriously over-earnest in its efforts to tug the heartstrings. That sequence got almost as many unwanted laughs as Tape 401 sadly, which is a shame as up to that point it was a very serviceable if unremarkable watch.

THE MAIN EVENT

11.15 p.m. – THE RAID

A labyrinthine maze of drug lords, murderers and gang members... let's go to work.

SP: It’s been a long time coming but this is what the festival has been all about. The buzz surrounding The Raid has been building steadily for months, and hype can kill a film. It is a rare event indeed when the hype doesn’t do its subject justice. The Raid is a film so beyond hype, expectation, current industry standard and categorisation that it has to be seen to be believed. And apparently there are people running major studios who think this film had no merit.

Those people are the worst kind of idiot. These are people that are holding everyone back.

This Indonesian martial arts action flick is the most exciting, kinetic and inventive piece of cinema to be released in years. The film gives you the barest of introductions and plunges you straight into the heart of the action. Director Gareth Evans has a deft touch with pace and ensures that, at every moment, there is something holding your attention – explosive action, a beat of silence, something funny to give you breathing space – it’s all there in the cut. And it’s between this editing and the explosive choreography of star Iko Uwais that the meat of the action lies. The fluidity and brutality throughout is genuinely breathtaking. There were moments after several fight sequences when I realised that, quite subconsciously, I had been moving forward in my seat and holding my breath. Actually holding my breath. It’s ridiculous how good this film is. But the quality is not just in the action – the pulse of the film is also in the emotional impact. We see the physical exhaustion as the film progresses but Uwais and the cast also embody the emotional impact of the situation incredibly well. At times the hero is running away, in pain, exhausted or helpless – and you feel all of this through him. You care about the people he cares about and you empathise with them. In the week since I watched this film I have thought back on it and starting welling up at the memories… not crying mind you. I’m just incredibly impressed when the collective efforts of creative people make something spectacular. Combining physical and emotional punches in a film as exciting and visually powerful as The Raid is an absolutely amazing accomplishment. It cannot be praised highly enough.

JS: Wow. About 20 years ago I was channel hopping with a friend and stumbled on an action movie mid-shootout, and me and my friend were immediately riveted to what we were seeing unfold. As things got crazier and crazier we were whooping and cheering it on from the floor (way too excited to stay seated). It was one of those experiences where you knew that something inside you was being changed, and that the way you looked at action cinema would never be the same. That movie was John Woo’s Hard Boiled, and I’m sad to admit that in the 20 years since I’ve never seen an action movie that has made me feel the way I did that night. Sure, I’ve loved action movies, but none of them have electrified me to the same level. Until now.

The Raid has minimal pre-amble, enough set-up to let you know that these cops are heading into hell on earth and that things are going to get pretty hairy, but it can’t quite prepare you for just how crazy things get once those hairs sprout. The choreography is mindblowing, the energy completely off the scale and the direction and editing stylish and punchy without the frantic cuts most action movies need to convince you you’re excited. The Raid doesn’t need that, awesome things are happening and Gareth Evans is savvy enough to let you see it. Refreshing that. The sound design was also thumpingly effective, every hit rattling the skull and the music building tension when necessary and letting the action breath elsewhere (the film has since been re-scored for the Western release by Mike Shinoda, will be interesting to see what he does with it). It’s also relentless in a way that nothing, not even Hard Boiled can really lay claim to. Once the fighting starts you’re with Iko every kick of the way, and the man gets very little chance to relax (even at the screening he couldn’t resist throwing in some martial arts). Even the moments of calm are dripping with tension. Like SP, there was a point in the film where a fight ended, the last enemy hit the floor, and I realized that I hadn’t been breathing for the whole encounter. THAT’S what action cinema should do.

I know this all sounds like gushing hyperbole of the worst kind, but this is how The Raid made me feel. It made me feel like Hard Boiled did, it made me feel like a kid again, and I know that for that reason in 20 years time I’ll still be digging out my Cerebro 5D Holodeck Edition of The Raid and revisiting it as the classic it already is.

FrightFest Glasgow: Day One (Friday 24th Feb 2012)

Senior Partner: So last weekend was FrightFest Glasgow 2012!!! This is literally my favourite time of year. Not only is the Glasgow Film Festival on, the good folks at FrightFest bring their horror vibe up to Glasgow to scare the bejesus out of this fine city. The ‘official’ FrightFest is held in London and lasts a week across two screens. Glasgow’s fest is smaller scale, with eleven films over only two days all on one screen, but with this smaller scale comes the knowledge that you’re not going to have a film timetable clash or have some sort of breakdown halfway through!

Because there were so many films the Spaceman and I have decided to give a snippet review of each one. Keep it snappy and moving on! It has to be said though, that with eleven films on the go there was only one stinker. You really have to go with the choices the FrightFest boys/funders make. It’s luckily they are men of fine taste!

The Day, ravenous cannibals just out of shot.

FRIDAY – DAY ONE

1.30 p.m. – CORMAN’S WORLD: EXPLOITS OF A HOLLYWOOD REBEL

SP: This was a film I may not have made it to, for reasons I will not disclose. Needless to say I am very happy that I did make it. Roger Corman is the low budget movie maestro and this documentary insight into his world of movie-making is as heartwarming and funny as it is touching. Corman himself comes across as an incredibly likeable and affable chap and the talking heads involved can’t speak highly enough of his character. This is really worth checking out.

Junior Spaceman: Corman’s someone I’ve seen interviewed a few times, and heard enough of my own heroes declare him a legend to know that he’s a pretty awesome guy. I didn’t, however, know very much about him at all and as it turns out I’ve barely seen any of his movies. Quite an achievement given he’s produced 400 of the feckers. This had all the elements of a great doc; amusing clips of the B-movies in question, great anecdotes from some pretty big names who he nurtured and also a bit of a story arc following his lack of industry recognition. I got a bit choked up at points, a really entertaining doc about a seemingly brilliantly genuine good egg.

4.00 p.m. – TAPE 407: THE MESA RESERVE INCIDENT + UNDYING LOVE

SP: I can’t seem to remember Undying Love for some reason or another. I could fake it and go to Google but I’m keeping it real. If I remember I’ll bring it up later…

Tape 407, on the other hand, was quite memorable. For not entirely kind reasons. Tape 407 deals in “found footage”, a style so hackneyed that even hearing the term makes an audience groan. In defence of the film it’s clear that the actors were properly going for it and the situation had some potential; it’s just that it felt like they were improvising around some stinky expositional plot points (e.g. mentioning the North Star a few minutes before deciding that following the North Star is part of a plan of action). If you want to hear lots of screaming and shaking camera in place of actual scares then this is the film for you.

JS: Undying Love was that thing with the soundtrack by the guy from Sigur Ros. You know, the 28 Days Later-esque zombie short with a really-predictable-but-still-nasty-enough-to-shock twist? You’ll remember later.

Also shocking was Tape 407, but for different reasons. It’s a real shame, as the air crash set-up isn’t bad (it probably helps that I’m scared of flying) and a couple of major irritants aside I thought the performances were likeably naturalistic, the holy grail of a found footage flick. It keeps a bit of tension going while it keeps you in the dark, but then botches it’s ‘threat’ reveal gloriously, and all it’s good work unravels at a lightning pace thereafter. There was a lot of unintentional laughter, and a rumour later rippled that a Q&A with the cast/crew had been planned but called off after the response. No idea if that’s true, but it would make sense given the shredding this got from the punters.

6.30 p.m. – CRAWL

SP: Crawl was a big win. Due to my laziness I’ll just say it’s like a home invasion version of No Country For Old Men. Except that’s not all it is. There’s plenty going on with strong performances and a great atmosphere; all revolving around a central character who shows strength and vulnerability in believable quantities. It felt more like a noir thriller than a horror but it carried itself well with the FrightFest crowd and was an excellent addition to the line up. It’s another film I would highly recommend and was in my Top 5 of the weekend.

JS: On a Raid-less fest this would have been the movie of the weekend for me, impeccably crafted and fantastically tense, I was pretty taken aback when the producer and his writer/director brother popped out for the Q&A and were as fresh faced as they were. To watch, you’d assume Crawl was the result of a couple of decades honing your craft. Talented wee bastards. It’s a Hitchcocky affair, with a solid dose of the Coens thrown in (fans of No Country will lap it up) and it balances laughs (intentional this time) and nerve-shredding suspense brilliantly. Not really a horror movie then, but it does work a common horror angle and one that seems to get under my skin quite badly, that of the home invasion. Brilliant movie, hopefully it’ll break out and these guys will get a lot of recognition for it.

SP: …UNDYING LOVE!!! I’ve remembered! It was a fast-paced short in the 28 Days Later style. I think it was Icelandic or Scandinavian. Short films are a regular feature of FrightFest and they break up the action nicely. Undying Love, for all my memory lapsing earlier on, was a tight little thrill-ride with a devious wee twist at the end. A good sign if the director gets to make a feature length film in the future.

9.00 p.m. – THE DAY

SP: The Day started in a pretty freaky style. There was some sign language communication between a couple of characters and, for about five minutes, there was only background audio (i.e. no voices). I thought this was a brilliant device to give a muted insight into the perspective of a deaf character… turns out it was just a mistake with the sound mix. Bah! And why would they have only been deaf to the voices? Eh? EH? I’m an idiot. Sound mix aside, The Day was a brilliant slice of horror action. Survivors of an undisclosed apocalypse fall into a cannabalistic trap and have very little time to plan for their survival. It all kicks off. It’s like The Road meets Assault On Precinct 13. It’s quite fantastic. And it ends with what I hope will be the start point of a powerful anti-hero’s continuing story.

JS: Let’s not forget we also got a couple of trailers on the Friday too, one for Act of Valor (which right down to the title looks factory manufactured to appeal to the Call of Duty crowd, and thus looks utter pish) and an extended trailer for [REC]3: Genesis which got a huge round of applause, [REC] being pretty much the best new horror franchise of the last few years and a Frightfest staple.

Onto The Day though, which stars one of those brothers that caused me some confusion last year (FF 2011 had two films back to back starring different Ashmores, and I was convinced it was the same person). He’s produced this movie with Dominic Monaghan, and they’ve got something pretty damn cool on their hands. The set-up is pure The Road, we join a band of survivor’s after an unexplained (unless it was explained during the audio SNAFU) apocalypse as they walk the land avoiding roving cannibals. The differences are vast though, while The Road drives home it’s bleak father/son bonding angle through quite a lot of nothing much really happening, The Day’s survivors find themselves in a far more immediate fight for survival, as they’re besieged in a country house by said cannibals. Also, the finding of tinned food was pretty much the emotional highlight of The Road, whereas here it’s the catalyst for things going pear shaped big time. It’s handled really well, with lots of tension and action, and should become a cult classic if enough people get their eyes around it.

11.15 p.m. – WAR OF THE DEAD

SP: Along with Found Footage, “Nazi Zombies” is up there with horror film cliches that really have passed their sell-by date. They’ve been done in many recent horror films and are even a beloved inclusion in the Treyarch developed games in the Call of Duty series. You’ve seen them. You know what happens. You know they’ll be in trenches. You know there was dastardly science involved. You know you’ll probably watch it if you see it for £3 in HMV.

JS: I have to confess, I actually had trouble staying awake for this. Every time I blinked it was a real struggle to open my eyes again, but in the film’s defence that was more to do with noodle fatigue and a lack of cold caffiene-filled beverages than with the movie itself. That beverage problem would be solved by SP on the Saturday with gusto, but that’s for another post. I can’t really think of much to say about this, it wasn’t horrible and I didn’t actively dislike it, but I also don’t remember ever thinking to myself “oh, that zombie nazi death was particularly entertaining”. Pretty inconsequential, but as SP says if you see it for tuppence or it pops up on the Horror channel late at night you could have a bit of fun with it.

And that was Day One, and a pretty good fest day all in. Only one turkey, and we left hopeful that the FF boys had squeezed the dud out as early as possible to make for a blazing Saturday. Our hopes came true and then some…

A short apology…

Senior Partner: It’s been several months since we’ve posted anything on this blog! This is due, in no small part, to our amazing capacity for laziness. To be honest, we’ve not even had a pizzazombie night since before christmas. That is a decent amount of film fun time that we have squandered. Anyway, we’ve spent the weekend at FrightFest Glasgow. Eleven films over two days. We do this every February and have done for years. Being there this year really made me realise that watching these films and having a shared experience is more important than ever. The guys that run http://www.frightfest.co.uk are full-time movie obsessives, and while we can’t get anywhere near their levels of productivity and professionalism I think it’s a good thing that we continue to try to do our wee bit. It’s a fun thing to do. We should have fun. And writing a few words about the things you’ve seen, good or bad, is not such a bad way to spend your free time. I reckon we need to get back into the pizzazombie groove.

In short… the christmas film and FrightFest Glasgow 2012 reviews are on the way!

 

Identities REVEALED!

Hello. While I’m pretty sure this has been the main hook in the slowly developing narrative of the pizzazombie drama, I’m afraid it’s time that the mystery of our identities be resolved. This will happen quite soon, in the form of some actual photographic evidence. In fact, it’ll happen below this paragraph of word guff. You know how everybody loves The Usual Suspects? That’s what it’s been like for all our readers. They’re desperate for us to stop limping about and finally stride out into the limelight. It’s time to be recognised in the street and welcome all the treasure and adoration it brings! It’s time! IT’S TIME!!!

Junior can go first…

And here is Senior…

And here, to celebrate the dozen or so words she has contributed to the cause, is Zombie Uncle Gub Gub…

As you can see, she is a beautiful lady girl.

Anyway, there you go. The secret has been revealed. I’d forgive you if you never visited the blog again now that you’ve spent your mystery penny. But if you did that you’d miss our upcoming reviews, which will include a J-Horror special, a collection of new triple deckers, a xmas special and (of course) an almost live blog of next year’s FrightFest. So yeah, don’t leave… SUBSCRIBE! We love you.

PizzaZombie V – Keep your friends close and your animes closer…

Films

Senior Partner’s Choice: Sky Blue

Junior Spaceman’s Choice: Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence

Foods

2 ltrs Irn Bru (Diet I think…)

Doritos: Nacho Cheese

Dominos: Large Meteor

Dominos: Large 50/50 Tom/Cheese and Spanish Sizzler (wuss pizza)

Mint Choc Chip Ice Cream

Millionaire’s Shortbread

1ltr Mountain Dew

Disclaimer…

Senior Partner: Well, it’s been a while since we’ve had a full-on pizzazombie night. I’m going to take it on the chin and admit it’s my fault. I’ve spent the summer training for a sportive cycle which saw me, at the start of September, cycling 100 miles through the Scottish countryside.  I made some cold, hard cash for charity though so you can forgive me.  And know that even though you have forgiven me the weather on the day did not – such apocalyptic stormage was actually more terrifying than the accumulated horror films I’ve watched this year. And that includes my treasured FrightFest.

We have managed to get together for some gaming and some of you might have noticed the ‘Thumb Cramp’ thread making its way into the zombie mix but it feels great to be getting back into the pizzazombie vibe with a proper night of films and food. And I reckon we’ve hit the ground running with the Anime Special. It’s been FAR too long since I settled down for some anime so going for a double-bill was a treat. I’m going to shut up now…

Sky Blue

Junior Spaceman: I remember when Sky Blue first came out, it got an actual theatrical release, in cinemas and everything.  Here in the UK, the list of anime movies that got a hallowed theatrical release is pretty short, and those that have are generally the cream of the crop. Akira, Ghost In The Shell 2 (more on that in a mo), Appleseed (2004)…any anime movie getting put on big screens nationwide here are in pretty lofty company, setting expectations high immediately. Sky Blue was also buoyed along by one of the most gorgeous movie posters around, and one that lingers in my mind even now. For some odd reason (perhaps the timing was just bad for me) I never actually made it along to see the thing though, so was pretty chuffed with Senior’s choice to present it at our anime night. As Senior says, it’s been a while since we settled down for some anime, and in these days of lovely slinky HD tellies the stuff has never looked better.

Within moments it’s obvious this is the kind of movie that scoops out your eyeballs and rolls them around in its mouth seductively. It’s beautiful and no mistake. It’s made from a blend of CG and traditional animation which seems to be increasingly popular these days, and while occasionally the juxtaposition of the two elements will jar and pull you out of the experience a little, it’s worth it for how eye-tonguingly pretty it all looks. Design-wise it’s a treat too, I’ve always gotten a bit gooey about dystopian anime futures where people still carry nice chunky bullet-spitting weapons, and the action scenes have a nice punchy weight to them. It feels a bit like what that Vin Diesel movie Babylon A.D. was maybe trying to pull off, before it pulled off it’s undercrackers and swung it’s big swinging idiot balls in the audience’s face. Man that movie was bad. I don’t understand why it’s not historically bad and talked about as an outrage in all corners. Um. Oh aye, Sky Blue is ace. The plot wears it’s eco-message proudly emblazoned on both sleeves though, and it can sometimes feel like you’re being lectured about your wicked planet-killing ways. That kind of worthiness is hard to pull off without being overbearing, and there are spots where Sky Blue certainly jumps that fence. The characters who form the human core of the story though are sympathetic enough that you’ll be rooting for things to work out for their sakes even if you couldn’t give a toss about your carbon footprint.

Looks cool, sounds like a douche.

Another weakness was the English dub. Now me and Senior aren’t cultural philistines, we understand like anyone else who so much as dabbles in anime that the only way to go is subtitled. Sadly that wasn’t an option here as the English dub was the default on the disc and there was no option to change. It shackled things a little, as those 3 guys you remember hearing on every Manga VHS release probably don’t give scenes the same gravitas that the original performances would have. The main protaganist in particular had Generic Douche Voice #3, which was occasionally offputting. None of that is a criticism of the movie itself obviously, but when we blog a PizzaZombie night we’re blogging as much about that night’s experience as we are about the merits of the individual films, so it’s going to colour my review accordingly. I’m being slightly unfair anyway, it’s not like they hired Anna Paquin to play a young cockney boy in an otherwise great movie (shudder).

It’s a good thing the characters being given those occasionally ill-fitting voices are strong enough that you’ll care about them regardless. I was quite surprised to hear myself gasping at a particular character moment, but I quickly got my macho veneer back up and running before Senior caught me blubbing. Throw in the aforementioned weighty action scenes (they really do have an impressive kinetic energy to them) and all the beautiful eye candy and the little flaws feel like pointless nitpicking. Weighing it all up what you’ve got is an immensely stylish, unfeasibly slick sci-fi epic which actually has something to say. Even if it says it with a little too much force, it’s a noble message all the same.

8/10

Interlude

Senior Partner: We had to plan this out. We knew we’d need pizza sharpish and we knew we’d be annoyed if we stopped Sky Blue with half an hour to go in order to make pizza happen… But luckily we are pizza experts* and our intimate knowledge of the Dominos website led us to the specify delivery time button. That’s right, we ordered Future Pizza ™. Future Pizza has only been tried once and, to all intents, it was a massive success. Yes, they were ten minutes early but it was much less hassle than having to stop the film! In fact, there was only about two minutes to go when it arrived and we were just clear of Sky Blue’s climatic ending. This meant that we had delicious pizza, read-to-eat, mere moments after the credits rolled! And not only that, we had the Mogwai tour film Burning to watch while we ate. Truly this is a magical time to live.

*And as Senior Partner I’d also like to point out that my pizza expertise when picking a 50/50 with a plain side and a sizzler side meant that I could polish off a full large with belly space to spare! It may appear to be a wussy choice but, man, it makes sense when you’re nomming a large Dominos.

Ghost In The Shell 2

Senior Partner: I like my anime. I have done since I was a teenager and saw, like everybody else, Akira for the first time. This was back in the early-90s. I remember how astonishing and accomplished anime felt in comparison to the traditional animation I’d watched as a nipper. It literally felt like a new world with experiences so fresh and bizarre that me and my mates were actually buzzing for days after seeing a new anime. There was always so much to discuss and describe (although trying to describe most of what we were watching was pretty much impossible).  Due, in no small part, to the fact that the imagination on show was pretty amazing to behold, even though the imagery sometimes verged on the extreme. But what teenager is going to complain about extreme visuals when the bragging rights were so vast? I can’t remember how many “You will not believe…” conversations we had about anime. I suppose Japanese animation is responsible for kick-starting me back into the worlds of animation and horror, at a time when girls and guitars were doing their best to distract me with their curvy wares. And in the same way, years later, J-Horror got everyone excited to watch properly scary horror movies again. Honestly, without Eastern film makers the world would a poorer place.

That’s my potted history with anime. These days anime tends to break through only when a big hit crosses over. Studio Ghibli has managed this fairly regularly over the last few years but even their star is starting to wane. Their reputation as the ‘Disney of anime’ did a lot to propel them when cgi animation took over, but I think the Pixars and Dreamworks of the world will win out in the end. Quirky Japanese folk tales told in traditional animation tend to be overshadowed by the stadium-rock gloss of the cgi world. I think Ghost in the Shell is the one of the last of the huge, conceptual animes that will make a dent in the west, one beyond the Guardian Guide and Total Film must-see lists. But to do that it had to become such a goliath amalgamation of animation techniques that the western studios couldn’t compete. And that takes YEARS to do!

I saw the first Ghost in the Shell so long ago that my memories of it were pretty foggy. I remembered a vague procedural cop plot with a heavy bio-mechanical augmentation edge. Luckily Junior was on hand with his extensive knowledge of the Ghost universe. My hobo descriptions of cool scenes seemed to placate him and set a foundation of trust that I would actually know what was going on. I wasn’t so confident as I was having flashbacks about watching German versions of Cowboy Bebop.

Needless to say, Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence is up there with the very best. If not, it’s THE best. Obviously it is visually stunning, but this is not at the expense of the story or continuing character arcs. Picking up the fragmented pieces where GitS left off (I think) we are thrown straight into a call-out centring on a sucidal and homicidal robot. The hook being that this robot, and the gynoid line it comes from, has been augmented with the stolen digital ‘ghosts’ of young girls in order to be abused in robot form. Yeah, dark innit? With robots pleading for help even as they malfunction and are killed it’s up to main cop badass Batou to investigate the company that produces the robots. Which turns out to be a huge corporation with an odd assortment of employees and business practices, most of whom are happy to have lengthy discussions about the philosophy of robot and human augmentation and the many moral dilemmas faced by those involved. He does this while being troubled by the memory of Major, his partner from the first film… an augmented female who is missing in the internet, or some other digital landscape. Major’s memory hangs heavy on the film making her both absent and yet central, which made me second guess a lot of what was going on in the film based on what I thought she would, or could, be doing behind the scenes. It really is a feat.

And in case you’re wondering, I was keeping up pretty well! Despite the complicated backstory the film is presented with such a strong central story that you never feel lost or confused. It really is impressive.

The dog ate my homework...

It’s difficult to discuss the film without having to give major parts of the story away so I’m not going to. It is safe to say that it is a tour de force of imagination and storytelling. It beats with both a dreamlike human and logically mechanical heart and leads the viewer into realms of fantasy and potential future-reality that are genuinely worth exploring. The ideas about augmentation and transhumanism are becoming the thing of science-fact! Director Mamoru Oshii has clearly thought through the scope of the issues involved and has the chops to give them importance on screen. Major scenes build in scope to such an extent that you’re eventually faced with a relatively short section that reportedly took three years to create. That’s three years on a scene. Have a think about that.

I think that what we managed to do during this pizzazombie is to watch two incredibly accomplished films, both heavy on moral and philisophical debate but incredibly beautiful and entertaining. Films that anyone with an interest in genuine cinematic experiences should have on their must-see lists.

10/10

Thumbcramp: Shadows of The Damned

Junior Spaceman: A few years back Suda 51 (and his company Grasshopper Manufacture) put out a game called Killer 7 on the Gamecube. It was a collaboration with Shinji Mikame, one of the main dudes behind Resident Evil, and besides having a startling cel-shaded look it seemed from previews to be a survival horror shooter in the vein of Mikame’s previous output. When people actually sat down to play it though, brains collectively melted as they struggled to process one of the strangest games ever released. See, this was a survival horror shooter fed through the mind-grinder of a madman, and what came out the other side was far from traditional. I’ll quite often grandly declare Suda “The David Lynch of Videogames” to anyone who brings up the subject, and it might not seem an apt comparison at a glance. In Killer 7 though we had a game set in such a skewed version of reality that you had to retune your mind to stop it from cracking under the strain of it’s otherworldly oddness, a reality that was far from random but rather adhered to it’s own solid set of warped nightmare logic, that you have to surrender to in order to go with the flow. Once you did, it was sublime, and most importantly unlike anything else out there. More brilliance followed with the No More Heroes series on the wii, and I’m happy to say that I get the same exhilirating sensation from Grasshopper’s blend of  pop-art anime-style ultraviolence, huge robots, dick jokes, chainsaw-toting zombie-killing cheerleaders, dick jokes, lightsabers, more dick jokes and coconut collecting as I do from something like Mulholland Drive. Given how my love for all things Suda began, it’s pretty exciting that for his first 360/PS3 game he reunited with Mikame again, supposedly to make a more commercial and traditional survival horror shooter. It also makes me very happy to say that Shadows of The Damned is a traditional survival horror shooter in the same way that Twin Peaks was a traditional murder mystery detective show.

Wanna be a farmer? Have a couple of acres.

One of the masterstrokes of the game is that it has the perfect excuse for the Grasshoppers’ imaginations to run rampant, in that it takes place entirely in hell as demon hunter Garcia Hotspur rampages through the forces of evil to claim back his beloved Paula. Sounds like Dante’s Inferno right? Although Dante didn’t have a floating skull called Johnson, who can turn into a multitude of tooth-firing weapons, and becomes an enormous goliath-shattering superweapon if you find a phone box and dial him a sex line. Dante also wasn’t assisted through the darker areas of hell by living sushi, which when shot light up and toddle alongside him, singing a catchy little tune as they go. Dante didn’t have to open gates by stuffing strawberries into the mouths of guardian disembodied infant heads until they granted passage. You get the point really, Shadows of The Damned is weird, and I haven’t even mentioned the boss battle with George, who can be heard a mile off because he once swallowed a harmonica.

As I said with previous Grasshopper games though, once you surrender to the game’s rules and logic, it’s a weird world that’s a joy to navigate through. Eventually you won’t think twice about lighting up areas by shooting goat’s heads, or shoving your Johnson into a massive hand-vagina. It’s also a game that’s laugh out loud funny in a way that games rarely are, and even the (many) knob gags are delivered with such panache and energy that you’ll find yourself guiltily cackling along. The basic mechanic is pretty simple (and not a million miles from fellow torch-botherer Alan Wake); Garcia takes damage while in darkness and demons are invulnerable while in darkness, so clear the darkness and kill the demons so you can move on. Within those confines though, there’s an admirable amount of variety in here, from the afore-mentioned sushi sections to the block rotating portal warping puzzle rooms, and there’s even an enjoyable 2D side-scrolling shooter thrown in for good measure. It genuinely feels like Grasshopper are throwing every wild idea that pops out their brain-poopers at you, and as always it’s exciting to have no idea what sights you’ll be seeing next.

This motherhonkers about to get melvined.

It’s that scattershot approach which makes Grasshopper’s games so exciting, but the punk rock developmental attitude means their games always come with flaws and a lack of polish here and there, and here it’s the boss fights that mar the experience. It’s not that you’ll die a lot during these battles, but weak spots can be so small, fiddly and sparingly exposed that if you haven’t pumped your upgrades into Johnson’s heat-seeking machine gun hitting those weak points is frustratingly difficult. I didn’t, I blew my upgrade load on the shotgun, which turned out to be useless in such encounters, and turned them all into protracted rinse and repeat sessions where if I happened to be reloading or looking the other way when I finally did enough damage for the boss to expose their ‘real’ weak spot I was in for another few minutes of plugging away. When boss fights are done well they provide the best sweaty-palmed spectacles in gaming, when they’re repetitive and overlong but never particularly dangerous they just induce boredom and take the shine off an otherwise great experience. The ‘Big Boner’ sections also deserve a mention, as they had the potential to add some more thrilling variety but are too slow and fiddly to really excite (even if I did find Garcia’s constant repeating of the line ‘Taste my big boner!” more funny than annoying).

None of this ruins the game, it’s just a shame that rather than the perfect masterpiece I was ready to hail the game as early on, Grasshopper have delivered another flawed gem. It’s a gem all the same though, and apparently it’s a gem that (like No More Heroes and Killer 7 before it) nobody bought. Which is a shame, because in a world where near-identical Call of Duty games sell tens of millions of copies every year, in Suda we have a genuine unique artistic talent. It’s only right that next time Grasshopper put out a game you give them some of your money, and in return you might just get to play something you won’t forget in a hurry.

8/10

Thumb Cramp: F.E.A.R. 3 co-op y’all!

Senior Partner: First of all I’m going to be completely honest… when you play a local or online shooter co-operatively with me, YOU are going to be doing a majority of the work. There are moments when I may seem to shine, but these are more through luck than by design. You see, I am a puzzle adventurer rather than a first (or third) person shooter. These skill sets don’t seem to mix well. It’s not that I don’t love playing shooters, it’s just that I don’t shoot good.

I’ve kept my head above water when it comes to playing the latest first-person shooters (fps) and I generally have a great time in single player… but venturing online is pretty much out of the question. I played Halo: Reach online in team deathmatch and once the game was over I was called out, quite rationally, by someone from my team as ‘the worst Halo player he’d ever seen.’ This was on the stat screen where my record breaking run of zero kills against thirty-two deaths was plain for all to see. I fully sympathised with him.

In modern online shooters you will often find that you can carry medical packs or other health-giving gizmos, which can be deployed in a bid to save yourself and/or your team mates from a grizzly death. If I am on your team you will be using them all on me. Regularly. And I’ll die anyway. Because, like I said, I don’t shoot good.

Junior Spaceman: Man, you’re way too critical of yourself. If anything you make a nice bullet-sponge to draw the enemies away from your team-mates. Besides, you manage to keep your composure despite me barking constant ‘strategies’ which usually just amount to swearing and gibberish. Kudos.

Senior Partner: FEAR is a series of games that I absolutely love. The action is brilliantly paced and varied; the story is the best kind of spookily-convoluted twaddle I can think of; and the mechanics are not only simple, they actually work. Each game has become marginally less scary, in favour of big action moments and improved gunplay, something which should be a big worry for a gun hack like myself. But FEAR 3’s great advance is the co-op campaign, which means I can play the game with a buddy without the (ahem) fear of going online and playing with strangers. And it was this campaign that my good friend and gaming legend, the Junior Spaceman, invited me to play over a couple of evenings recently.

As JS had already completed the campaign as Point Man (the original character from the first FEAR) he took on the role of slightly camp ghost Paxton Fettel, Pointy’s brother who was the victim of fraticide in that earlier installment. *um, spoiler* With roles selected and a JS tutorial reminder of the controls we got under way; completing the story arc of Alma’s increasingly disturbed and disturbing family tree.

Junior Spaceman: I should point out that I’d really enjoyed my solo run-through. Mechanically it’s the same ultra-tight shooting you expect from the series, and if anything the combat feels tighter than F.E.A.R. 2. I dunno, the controls just feel more precise and visually there’s a lot more emphasis on clarity as opposed to looking super-sexy. F.E.A.R. 2 looked awesome but Monolith went a bit kerazee with the glossy shaders and HDR lighting, to the point where it felt like you were fighting your way through rooms with vaseline smeared all over your goggles.

Bullets holes are SOOO Summer 2011

Senior Partner: The game is presented, as usual, in Intervals that gradually progress the story through a series of locations. In previous games these intervals have been fairly long and revealed certain plot points in the forms of interactive flashbacks or hallucinations. In FEAR 3 this has been effectively abandoned to create tight shooting galleries. This feels like a reaction to the current big-hitters in the fps world, yer Call of Duties and whatnot. Yeah, it made each interval punchier but, despite the excellent work of the designers, I did miss the teased-out tension of the old style. I’ve spent a great deal of time in deserted office blocks, malls, suburban homes and warehouses during my exploration of the FEAR universe and there’s something about the natural peaks and troughs that helped balance out the atmosphere. It’s a shame but it’s definitely not a deal breaker.

Junior Spaceman: I do recall you making the observation a couple of intervals in that the level design feels a bit like MP maps that you clear of enemies before moving on, which was a fair comment. For me it does diffuse the scares and tension somewhat, but I found the more open environments pretty refreshing. It was particularly unexpected to emerge from a very F.E.A.R.-like dark, dank sewer into a very un-F.E.A.R.-like sunlit village. A lot more variety in this game I found. I do wonder what John Carpenter’s involvement was, he’s credited as ‘cinematic advisor’ (I think) and with Steve Niles writing it I’d assumed there would be a big focus on story. If anything this installment seems to have less of a story in the traditional sense, as it kicks off with you fighting your way to Alma and for most of the game that’s all the story you need really. The Fettel/Pointman flashbacks are welcome though, and in the last hour or so it reveals it does actually have a story to tell, it just didn’t want it to intrude on all the headshots.

Senior Partner: I suppose I have a beef with the storytelling in this game because it seems to rely mostly on direct expositional sentences during load screens. Yes there are short cut scenes from the brother’s institutional youth, and there are shared fantasy sequences in Alma’s tree-swing heavy multiverse but they both seemed like intentional place holders and artificial pacing devices. As I said, the original game dished out the pace during the intervals, FEAR 3 seems content to keep things ramped up to eleven then lets you rest while the cut/loading screen takes care of things for you. It probably didn’t help that Junior and I thought it appropriate to use the awesome jumping animation to Tigger our way through the Alma scenes. It made us laugh at least. Because we’re idiots.

Junior Spaceman: I feel it gave those emotionally powered sequences added gravitas.

Senior Partner: With Junior’s leadership we made our way through the first five intervals in one sitting. This saw us over halfway through the game. It felt good to be back in the Point Man’s shoes after Michael Becket of FEAR 2’s attempt to calm things down went oh-so-badly wrong. To be honest there was no noticeable difference because  the mechanics are the same, it was just a feeling.

Can't we just kiss and mech up?

The game seems to be at its best in co-op (which is an entirely baseless opinion given that I’ve never touched the single player, hmmmm). It was a genuine pleasure to combine abilities to take care of the challenges on screen. Well, it was for me. I’d imagine that the regular doubling back to revive my character was somewhat distracting for JS.  But by the game’s end I was pleasantly surprised to think back on a few occassions when I pulled my weight… especially in my preferred role as a sniper. I find larger enemies much easier to deal with from the opposite side of the map. Especially if JS is possessing them or suspending them in mid-air. I also like to clear an area out before venturing in at full whack. It sometimes works. I think Junior also quite enjoyed rocking around the place using supernatural rather than military abilities to take care of business.

Junior Spaceman: I found it an absolute joy. Alone it’s a solid tight shooter, in co-op it’s a riot. Playing as Fettel also completely changes the way battles are fought too. Your mention of snipers reminds me of a prime example; there’s a running battle through a suburban street at one point, and as a lone Pointman it’s a slow and tense creep between cover thanks to a sniper perched at the window of a house down the street. You’ll pop up briefly to kill the odd Armacham fool and dash to the next piece of makeshift cover, but that sniper is a constant pest. As soon as we stepped onto that street in co-op though I aimed at the sniper down the street, teleported inside his body and used his rifle to give cover to SP as he cut a swathe through the enemy. Then when the dust settled and I was finished with his body I made the sniper explode in a mist of bloody chunks and eyeballs. If that doesn’t sound like awesomely fun gaming I don’t know what does.

Senior Partner: When our second gaming night drew to a close I also discovered that I had played with significantly less ability than my co-op partner. This led to us seeing the end of the game with Paxton Fettel as the ‘Favourite Son’. You see, in addition to the shooting gallery element you have certain in-game tasks to complete which can add to your score for each level. Score the most points and you earn rep as Alma’s possible favourite. I was one for eight. Clearly the evil Fettel ending was well earned.

Junior Spaceman: Smug-mode activated.

Senior Partner: In any case, I won’t spoil the ending I saw. Suffice to say it was good enough for me and revealed a few strange truths about the main characters’ various roles in the trilogy. I’m not sure if I felt properly connected to any of them, but it was a decent climax to the series. And, dare I say it, the post-credits scene was properly disturbing. Yeah, I know. Fickle.

Junior Spaceman: Yup, that ending is pretty fecking dark. I’m left wanting more F.E.A.R. personally, but am pleased that if this does turn out to be the end of a trilogy it’s been a suitably apocalyptic sign-off.

8/10 – in fact 8.5/10… for the priceless ‘going through a turnstyle’ animation

Thumb Cramp: Horror Gaming Special Pt.2

Junior Spaceman: Well, Senior Partner already picked his 5 scariest videogame moments, and he swiped a couple of prime choices. In the name of variety I’ll avoid the franchises he’s gone with (which is a shame, I’ve baked pant-brownies in front of Silent Hill and Dead Space more than with most games).

A couple of games which nearly made the cut but which I’ll leave out, mainly because I no longer own copies and my memories are too hazy to do them justice; Home Alone on the Amiga (seriously, getting chased around that house to the worst 8-bit music ever coded was disturbing stuff), Nightbreed: The Interactive Movie (mainly scary because it was mental) and Project Zero/Fatal Frame. That last one is left out mainly because it scared me so much I stopped playing early on and never got round to finishing it. Also, my mind seems to have done that thing it does with harrowing events, and has blocked out all memories of it, meaning I’d have very little to say about it. So, here’s what I’m left with, and suffice to say MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD for the games in question…

5) Most of Gregory Horror Show Now, to look at GHS doesn’t appear scary. Hell, it looks like a cutesy kids cartoon so it may be hard to believe that it’s mind-pulpingly bizarre. Plus, it was only ever played by about 7 people so it’s hard for me to find anyone to back me up on this. Essentially a survival horror game where you have to creep around a nightmarish motel stealing the souls of the other residents, while avoiding your previous victims who stalk/chase you through the halls. It’s a fantastic game, a hugely underrated game, and one that our occasional guest-poster Uncle Gub Gub had to give up playing because she was displaying the early symptoms of derangement. The cutesy visuals lure you in, but it’s the gently disturbing dream-logic that keeps you there. The part that sticks in the mind most is the hauntingly downbeat ending, which displayed all the cyclical elements of all the most memorable nightmares.

4) Alma lives!!! in F.E.A.R. (Xbox 360/PC) I love the F.E.A.R. games, because they tick a bunch of my boxes, and tick ’em good. You’ve got your John Woo bullet-time gun battles, sci-fi mech action and scares of a distinctly J-Horror variety (which every discerning horror fan knows is the scariest of all scaries). Even without the horror it’s a sweaty experience, as the enemy AI are as scary as any boogyman you can think of. Apart from maybe chief antagonist Alma. Alma (a psychic supermonster who appears alternately as a creepy little girl and an even creepier Rec-style gangly woman-creature) is a freaky little shit for most of the game, but it’s her last gasp that lodged in my mind the most.

You have nothing to fear but fear itself. And decapitation.

Picture the scene: It’s about 4am, you’ve been soldiering through the last chunks of the game, you’ve been through some pretty twisted plot developments, culminating in Alma essentially detonating like a psi-nuke. The wall of death streaks towards you, levelling buildings as it goes. You’re a goner for sure, but then the dust settles and you’re safe on a helicopter with your team mates, having been pulled from the rubble. Everything’s dandy, as you gaze out the open side of the chopper at the devastated city below. You relax and sit back in your chair happy with a job well done, and then Alma’s FUCKING HAND APPEARS OVER THE EDGE, her head rears into view for an instant before the game cuts to black and all hope of a good night’s sleep is lost.

3) The farmhouse in Condemned (Xbox 360/PC) Another Monolith game? Yeah, might seem lazy, but in this generation no-one is quite doing tightly scripted horror with the level of panache that them Monolith boys do. This was tough to pick though, the first Condemned is a much scarier game than the (still great) sequel, but said sequel does have one particular sequence that shook me up a blinder. Even after settling on Condemned, how do you pick a moment from a game that is just about the best exercise in sustained terror out there?! The thing is littered with incredible moments that anyone who’s played it goes on about, from the first time a rabid jakey pulls off a wall panel and comes at you with it, to THAT mannequin sequence, to the plop-inducing ‘body in the locker’ experience…it’s a scary game. As someone who’s more about the extended creep-out than the jump scare though, I have to go with the farmhouse investigation. Coming towards the end of the game, you’re wandering around a pitch black farmhouse (echoes of the Blair Witch climax abound), following the trails revealed by your tiny UV light, while shuffling, banging, grunting, and moving furniture can be heard from elsewhere in the house. It’s one of the best uses of 5.1 I’ve heard in a game, and is a masterclass in putting the todds up a player without throwing any enemies at them for a while. And don’t get me started on that damned basement…

2) The first hour of Amnesia: Dark Descent (PC) You’ve heard all the stories. Everyone you mention the game to tells you it’s the most terrifying thing that’s ever happened to them. You’ve investigated by watching the reaction videos on youtube, where grown men are literally losing their freaking minds playing this thing. You’ve finally nervously downloaded it, the missus has gone to bed and you’ve popped on your headphones, turned out the lights and strapped in. The game launches and you (the game is played in first person) awake in a castle with no memory of how you got there. There’s a blood trail on the ground which you start to follow, every instinct screaming at you to just turn it off and go to bed. You start to stumble on diary entries, which make vague references to the fact that you’re being stalked through the castle by…something. Occasionally you can hear this creature (referred to as the Shadow) in rooms you’ve just been in, hammering home the fact that it’s right at your heels every step. This is something the game excels at, the anticipation of what you may or may not see while playing it. You’re told that if the creature is ever present you can’t look at it, as instead of a health bar it’s your sanity that drains. Just the thought of pottering around solving puzzles while being pursued by a creature so terrifying that if you look at it YOU GO MAD is one of the scariest things I’ve experienced in a game. It means that when it does eventually start catching up with you you’ve got no choice but to turn off your lantern and sit in a dark corner, staring at a wall while it shuffles and bangs around trying to find you, eventually moving on. It’s horrible. Then, maybe the 3rd time you’re sat looking at a wall in the dark you think…fuck it, I’m looking. You turn around slowly, ready to face your terrifying nemesis…and it’s not that bad at all, and the game’s power over you crumbles from that point on. It’s a shame it can’t throw anything at you that could possibly live up to your own warped imagination, but to build such a level of apprehension around just loading a game up is quite an achievement and even ignoring the terror aspect it’s still one of the most absorbing games out there.

1) The Tank music in the Left 4 Dead series (Xbox 360/PS3/PC) The Left 4 Dead games pretty much have online gaming cornered for me. You can keep your CoD, as there’s only so many identical meaningless deathmatches I can play before that arbitrary ranking system is no longer enough to keep me doing it. Teaming up with three mates and desperately trying to survive a zombie apocalypse against overwhelming odds though? Now you’re speaking the language of Pizza Zombie. The brilliance of L4D is in the AI director, a nifty scripting device that ensures no two games ever play out the same. The game constantly gauges how well/badly the team is doing and takes this into consideration when deciding when/how it should throw the zombie hordes at you. There isn’t much of a narrative to L4D, but through the actions of the players and the always unpredictable undead some of the best, most action packed stories in gaming emerge, and every session I’ve enjoyed has had more than it’s fair share of water cooler moments that you can talk giddily about forevermore. It’s always a tense game, and often an exhilaratingly frantic game, but there’s one particular moment which never fails to be bloody terrifying. It’s the climax of the session (ooh er), you’ve loaded up on as much ammo as possible, the explosive gas cans have been strategically placed, you’ve all taken up position and it’s time to set off the beacon which will summon your rescue but also entice the flesh-eating legions to swarm on your makeshift fortress. It’ll take another 5 minutes for the rescue helicopter to arrive, but you’ve planned for every eventuality and it looks like you can all just about scrape through the siege by the skin of your teeth…and then that music sting kicks in and it all goes to hell.

It's not any less scary when it's on fire.

The Tank, a huge slobbering hulk of a mutated beast is on it’s way. The reason it all goes to hell is because no matter how meticulous your planning, one of the universe’s unbending truths is that you cannot plan for a Tank. You can’t hold your position, because it can throw cars at you and can down you with one punch from it’s sledgehammer fists, so the team scatters. It’s chaos, every man for himself, and within moments it’ll have punched one of you halfway across the map and off a building before taking it’s time pounding another helpless survivor into the ground. Even if you’re lucky enough to kill it while it’s busy finishing off one of your mates, your plans are borked, you’ve used most of your ammo and no-one has a health pack to spare. If you can then salvage the situation and get at least someone on that helicopter and safely away it’s about the most exhilarating feeling in gaming. And when you’re on that chopper, finally remembering to breathe, you’ll look down at the helipad where the rest of your team-mates are currently being eaten slowly, and you’ll curse that fecking Tank so you will.

Pizza Zombie IV – Zombie! Cop! Ghost!

Films

Junior Spaceman’s Choice: Double Whammy!

Senior Partner’s Choice: Colin

Classic Tripler: A Tale of Two Sisters

Foods

Domino’s 50/50 – Meateor and Scrummy

Domino’S 50/50 – Meateor and Sizzler

Senior’s Peanut Butter and Choc Chip Ice Cream

2ltrs Coke Zero

Monster x2

Doritos Cool Original (Jumbo Bag)

Tomato and Chilli relish (for dipping)

Colin

Junior Spaceman: Colin’s reputation as an insanely cheap movie precedes it, I mean £40?! I find it hard to swallow that you can make any kind of movie on £40, surely just taxi fares to places you’re wanting to film would come to more than that. There’s no way. It’s impossible. That was my attitude going in. Then Senior Partner stuck it on, the film got going and I found myself wondering where all that money went.  

Colin, you see, is a very cheap looking movie. A bit like when you had that mate who was doing an HNC in Video Production and would occasionally show you his ‘movies’. I’m no meathead Michael Bay fan, and am all for some indie or experimental cinema, but in this blu-ray age it is a little tough to point your peepers at something that looks like it was filmed in 4:3 on someone’s old Nokia. BUT looks aren’t everything, and Colin has a pretty nifty concept at it’s unbeating heart. A zombie movie where instead of following survivors surviving we roam the streets with the titular zombie (for whom the battle for survival is already lost from the first scene) and see what scrapes he gets into.

Having a zombie as your lead protaganist is a hugely original idea, and director Marc Price has pulled off the zombie experience pretty well. The transformation itself is fairly haunting, and initially as Colin starts his wanderings I found him every bit as engaging as your average non-fleshmunching protaganist. Price perhaps does too good a job of emulating zombie (un)life though, as zombie (un)life soon becomes rather boring, as no doubt it would be. There’s a bit of an emotional narrative arcing through the whole thing (and that aspect is certainly where the film is at it’s strongest) but the structure mainly involves Colin stumbling into a series of set-pieces. A couple of these are grimly entertaining, one made very little sense at all, all of them go on just a bit too long. It’s mainly the picture quality if I’m honest: with no fancy colour correction or lighting it’s often difficult to see what’s going on as the film alternates between indecipherable murk and indecipherable retina-searing white light. It’s also way too long. You admire the ambition for trying to pull off a feature film on micro-bucks but the whole thing feels very much like a student short dragged out in every way possible. Just about every scene could have done with some judicious chopping, as it is the movie becomes a bit of a grind.

Colin. Everyday he shufflin'.

That all sounds like I hated it, which is unfair because I thought it did some things tremendously well. There are a couple of disturbingly dark events which I found genuinely horrifying, and managing a similarly harrowing tone to something like 28 Days Later for £40 is quite impressive. And, a couple of jarring lurches into slapstick aside this, this is harrowing. Man, zombie (un)life is a drag. Also, there’s a pretty impressive street battle and one piece of face-separating make-up that must have taken a bit of ingenuity to pull off (literally). It’s just a shame that everything I have to say positive about the movie is in relation to the miniscule budget. It’s got some good gore…for £40. It’s got a great sense of atmosphere…for £40. The effects are good…for £40. You get the idea. It’s worth seeing once just for the genuinely haunting moments that pop up here and there, it’s just a real shame it couldn’t have been trimmed down to maximise those moments, making Colin the fantastic all-killer/no-filler 30 minute short film that it’s crying out to be.

It’s alright…for 5/10. 

Double Whammy!

Senior Partner: With ‘Double Whammy!‘ the Junior Spaceman is expanding our film repertoire into rarely explored waters… that of the buddy-cop comedy drama. It’s a solid set-up for a bit of humour, some action and a hint of violence; and with Dennis Leary and Steve Buscemi leading the way this should be a win!

First of all we get some nice comedy cop banter, building towards the main hurdle in Leary’s career – that of his bad back and the embarrassing way he gets injured. It’s not too shoddy as it sets Leary up for some great grumpy acting, opens the door for Liz Hurley’s hot chiropractor and let’s a weird, nerdy kid get some good lines in later on. It also sets out the film’s stall as a far-fetched romp, not to be taken too seriously.

But this is the crux of the problem for most films of this type; the comedy is there to keep things relatively light and frothy but, as the procedural cop stuff darkens the tone, the  script almost always incorporates some sort of violence/brutality that creates too strong a contrast. You never really know whether to take the dangerous elements seriously. I don’t know if I’m complaining about this or not. It’s just something I’ve noticed.

Anyway, the plot thickens around a pair of violent but apparently hapless criminals, paid by an angry daughter to kill her father (yet another great turn by Luis Gusman). At the same time Leary’s failure cop is dealing with memories of the death of his wife and daughter, his lowly position in the police force, the success of his rival (played brilliantly and too fleetingly by Chris Noth), his bad back, his potential romance with Hurley and the mysterious attempted murder of the supe in his building (coincidentally the father of the angry daughter). All this and Leary’s neighbours, a second layer of comedy relief, are busy writing a film-within-a-film that makes them accidental witnesses and targets for the crims.

Hey! They're out of plot resolutions... You want a coke instead?

It is a lot to deal with and, inevitably, the plates do not spin smoothly. The criminals bob in and out of the story generally causing a bit of havoc and pain. The neighbours, claim Junior Spaceman, are a meta device – allowing the director to push the script and the action while, presumably, pre-empting any holes or flaws. Can I just say that the neighbours are definitely not meta. They basically come up with some cool action sequences they wish they could add into their budget movie, most of which are then used by Leary to defend himself and attempt to save the day. That’s just a bit of a lazy way to make sure Leary has some weapons handy at times when he needs them. If they were truly meta they would live in a different city, acting like voodoo puppet masters while knowing nothing of their spooky powers. Or summat. The father/daughter story is what pushes this story along, maintaining something of a comedy thread and an emotional anchor. It’s definitely the most interesting part of the film, even though you get to see Hurley’s nipple at one point.

If this review is coming over as a bit complicated and aimless then I’m afraid it’s quite an accurate reflection of the film…

Overall it appears to be about two re-writes short of a cult classic. Buscemi is under-used and generally forgotten about. Chris Noth’s part should have been far more central than it was (with his last line he actually sets up a line of enquiry that is completely ignored). Leary veers between sad widow, horny stud and grumpy funny man almost on a whim – shoehorning in a bit of his patented observational stand up on the way! Hurley does a good job as a romantic complication who, refreshingly, does not become the damsel in distress. The neighbour film angle seems more clever than it actually is but gets the job done. And, as previously stated, the father/daughter relationship keeps the ship afloat.

As a pizzazombie matinee it was an ideal choice and it’s certainly a film that I had no previous knowledge of. I just had to sail along with it and try not to think too hard about the ins and outs of the branching plot points. It certainly has high hopes as a script but I’m not sure it translated too well to the screen. Still, it was a pleasant surprise and the combined effort of the cast kept me going through the choppiest of choppy plot waters.

7/10 for effort 

Junior Spaceman: I particularly like the meta elements.

A Tale of Two Sisters

Senior Partner: AToTS is, according to the synopsis, director Kim Jee-Woon’s take on a Korean folk tale. And as a supernatural slice of scare-cake it is a massive success. I don’t know if I could remember enough of it to tell round the campfire though…

The two sisters have been recently released from a mental hospital, having been sent there to get over the trauma of their mother’s death. Older sister Su-mi is clearly in charge and wants to protect her younger sibling Su-yeon from their strict stepmother. This idea of a weak, younger sibling being mothered by the older sister has quite an emotional impact and it’s played to perfection by the two young actresses. Su-mi quickly establishes that she won’t take no guff and her battle with the stepmother is the dominating story arc. But while the sisters try to settle back into the family home there are numerous ghostly occurances and hallucinations keeping them on edge. I think this is a symbol for the ghost of their mother, her death haunting their memories and clearly getting in the way of the family living a peaceful life. The hallucinations are actually shared by the stepmother, making the female relationships seem like the specific target for the gruesome poltergeist. At one point the stepmother even appears to reach out to the sisters to understand the visions but by then the relationships are too far gone.

As the film goes on the tension and scares ramp up with some slightly confusing scenes which left me wondering who was where and why they were there. At times there appears to be some multiple personalities and the characters decisions can be quite stark and left-of-field. But it does all this with a view to the final twist and, in retrospect, I can appreciate that the director had moves to make in order to put the proper level of gusto into the closing minutes. This is certainly a film that both requires and deserves a second viewing to fully reveal its complex charms.

If they look a bit glum, it's only because they heard about the Hollywood remake.

The cover declares this film as the most frightening since The Ring but I can’t really back up that marketing. Yes it is scary and it is certainly thought-provoking but it is part of a long line of Korean and Japanese horror films whose tropes are well known. What I will say is that as a ghost story it is up there with the very best.

Junior Spaceman: I’d seen it a couple of times already, and it certainly lends itself very well to repeated viewings. I remember at the time being utterly terrified in the cinema for it, but as SP says, a lot of that fearful impact is lost these days. Back when Ring opened up the Asian horror floodgates this stuff was terrifying because it was so alien to what you were used to, it really is a completely different horror sensibility. So much of it has made it’s way to the west now though (a lot of it bloody marvellous) that something like this doesn’t quite shred the nerves as it once did. It’s still pretty damn spooky, with a couple of very smart scares, but it’s not the brown alert situation it once was. It doesn’t matter too much though, as the focus isn’t entirely on the horror here so much as the atmosphere and the story. It’s a great tale very well told and another example of Kim-Jee Woon deciding to turn his hand to a genre and producing one of the best movies in said genre. Talented chap so he is. Actually funnily enough, when I caught this movie in the cinema the guy in the row in front sat and filmed the whole thing on his mobile phone. Always wondered what kind of serviceable movie experience he could really hope to capture that way. I’d imagine it looked a bit like Colin.

8.5/10

Thumb Cramp: Horror Gaming Special Pt.1

Senior Partner: Scary games are making something of a comeback. This year there’s been news of Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City; the HD remakes of Resi 4 and Code Veronica X; the continuing support of zombies in Left 4 Dead 2 and COD: Black Ops; and, right at the top of my list of lists, the imminent release of FEAR 3. Then there’s Alice: Madness Returns and the bubbling promise of Silent Hill: Downpour. Not to mention the internet sensation that is ‘reactions to Amnesia‘ – a game that Junior Spaceman is bravely trooping through as we be speaking. It really is a busy year for the horror game.

But what scares me, the Senior Partner? If you’re thinking, ‘Not much, he’s so tough and strong and brave’… you would be right. But, for the sake of argument, let’s say that I found something in a game scary. Or five things. What would they be and how would I prioritise them? Glad you asked. Thus!

5) The T-Rex from the first Tomb Raider (Playstation) When I was a scrappy teen I used most of my brain power completing Tomb Raider on the Playstation. No maps, few clues and a massive clunker of a tank control system. But still I persevered, memorising massive tombs, solving huge puzzles and offing any endangered species I came across. True there were moments when I was impaled on spikes and set alight, but stepping into that clearing for the first time genuinely sounded the brown note. All is dark, some pacy Crystal Maze music kicks in, you pass some ravaged skeletons then you hear the THUMP! A T-Rex??? A full on T-Rex rolls in and you’re up the creek. So unexpected and seemingly too brutal to defeat, I took a few pastings from that beast! Classic.

4) Long John Silver from Treasure Island (Commodore +4) This is an incredibly early gaming memory and I think that’s why it makes the list. Treasure Island was a great game. You spend the entire time going screen-to-screen solving the mystery of a lost treasure. There are pirates to fight (swords are one-use only), loot to plunder and dead ends to discover. Essentially it’s a huge maze, and at the centre of that maze are a treasure chest and the final boss. The final boss that you cannot kill. Touching the treasure begins the end game, with a single objective- RUN! That’s right, run. Run back to the ship you sailed in on. That maze you’ve been memorising? You better know it backwards! It’s a great touch and I panicked like a frightened rabbit every time I got to old hook-meister John’s treasure chest. Fight or flight? The choice was made for you!

3) The shadows in ICO (Playstation 2) ICO is up there as one of my favourite games of all time. Again it’s pretty much an adventure puzzle game (it’s my genre of choice) but with the addition of it being a constant escort mission. The main danger is that your female charge, Yorda, is always under threat of being literally dragged to hell by inky-shadowed, malevolent forces. These spooky terrors attack relentlessly, making you hack and slash through their number in an attempt to save your girl and continue through the castle to freedom. Catching a glimpse of a smoky dark patch on the ground is enough to get your heckles up but the fluid, unnerving movement and almost tactical flanking of the AI really gets under the skin. They grab at Yorda from all quarters, often from off-screen while you’re dealing with another pack! But I found the desperate animation at the closing moments of an unsuccessful battle, seeing Yorda dragged away to a certain tortuous death, truly shocking. It’s not a ‘Boo!’ scare, it’s a skin crawler – and all the better for it.

2) The ghosts in Pac-Man… only joshing! Actually, the nurses in Silent Hill 2 (Playstation 2)

The doctor will slay you now... oh dear. Deary me.

Silent Hill 2 is pretty much the most uncomfortable game I’ve ever played. Yeah, Resident Evil had some big scares (the first zombie head turn, dogs through the windows, giant spiders attacking from the roof) but they all seem cartoony compared to the psychological scarring you get ‘playing’ SH2.

From the off you are essentially isolated, meeting a few off-beat weirdos whose bizarre conversations make you wish you were actually alone. The atmosphere created by this foggy town with its desperate local characters is incredibly oppressive, leaving you with a minimal line of sight and even less chance of finding someone you could rely on for help. The twisted mannequins that scurry and lunge their way around the town are frightening enough, again a result of some excellent body-horror animation, but making it to the supposed safety of the town’s hospital was what did it for me.

I know you’re thinking that I’ve forgotten how powerful Pyramid Head is, but to be honest I found the nurses far worse. You go to a hospital for help, and nurses help you. They do not, or at least rarely, come at you with knives in the most inhumane way possible. I honestly couldn’t handle it and had to turn the game off. I’ve always wanted to man up and revisit Silent Hill 2 but it’s yet to happen. Shudder.

1) All of Dead Space (Xbox 360)The top spot goes to the game that single-handedly rejuvenated the horror genre in gaming, Dead Space. It was actually a very close call between this and Alma in the first FEAR game. Maybe Alma should go in instead of Long John Silver? Nah, I was brutalized by that incessant pirate freak! And even though the scares in FEAR were effective, they were sparse: in Dead Space it was simply continuous.

Playing through Dead Space for the first time is like experiencing horror anew – that includes film, books and games. It just hit the reset button and said, ‘Prepare to die’. Dead Space IS horror.

As a mining mechanic you are incredibly under-prepared for the role of main bad-ass in a war against the undead, mirroring the fact that you the gamer are incredibly under-prepared for the role of main bad-ass in a war against the undead. You go in cold with no weapon and no idea what you’re about to face. The ship you have to explore has clearly been devastated by what you’re about to face. You are scared by what you’re about to face!

It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for...

I found playing as Isaac a completely relatable experience. He was scared. He got out of breathe if he ran too much. He could barely raise his legs in his heavy armour. His self-control in zero gravity was average at best. If you’re going to struggle to survive in a game it helps if you can relate to the protagonist and the stoic, silent Isaac is a good an avatar as you’ll get. You never see his face and you never hear his voice – he WAS me! And no, he wasn’t you.

The enemies in Dead Space, Necromorphs, are hard enough to defeat on their own, and yet they are great in number. They fly, crawl, run, shoot and explode at you in a terrifying array of ways. Shooting them in the body will not take them down, only the limbs are vulnerable. It goes against every gunning intuition in the book, and adds to the experience greatly. And even if they lose their legs or arms they’ll still have at you. Watching as your limited ammo gets pounded into a legless necromorph really is a depressing scenario. Especially as you know you’re going into the next face-off undergunned.

But the true victory of Dead Space was in the set and sound design. Never before had I been in a location so bereft of hope and so utterly shocking to simply walk through. Headphones and drawn curtains are mandatory when you boot up Dead Space! Corridors are poorly lit, if lit at all. The vents on the walls are the main mode of transport for Necromorphs, leaving you on edge at every turn. The creaking, scraping and bellowing of a ship clearly in distress overwhelms you in every location. You could literally go through the whole game and experience only a handful of enemies and you would be terrified for twelve hours anyway. It is the most effective use of the design brief ‘Make it scary’ that exists in popular culture.

If you haven’t played a Dead Space game then I urge you to get out there and get Dead Space at the earliest opportunity. And there’s never been more ways to enjoy a franchise! Anime films, comics, a sequel and a prequel… the expanding universe of Dead Space maintains its quality across the board. And if you’re really in the mood for devastation wait till the nights draw in before you experience it. Keep it dark and keep it loud. Prepare to die!